After the Break Up

“Who am I truly without you reflecting back the love I have come to know.”

It can be so difficult to let go, to accept what is, following the end of a relationship. The emotional challenge: the death of what once was, and the grief of what will never be.

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Creating Space for Heart Healing

As the New Year is upon us, there is a building anticipation of all that's possible as we assess and reassess things we look to change and reinvent about ourselves. Having taken inventory, and deciding what we want for ourselves in the form of lists and resolutions, we wait for the magical sign, the turning of the clock on New Years Eve, and viola! We somehow believe all that’s happened up until 11:59 during the prior three hundred and sixty five days, is now a wash! So we move through the New Year….. and when all the hype and excitement wears down, so too does the enthusiasm for change; while the same situations and circumstances recreate themselves in our lives.

Getting caught up in our thoughts and what we allow those thoughts to then tell us, create predicaments that loop us back to maintaining behaviors we had hoped would change. Interestingly much of what we look to change are things we ask for externally, rather than looking within to uncover what maintains the unsuccessful outcomes we repeatedly find ourselves in. It sometimes feels as though the change we want, the goals we have in mind elude us year after year. At what point do we ever fully grasp what we want and truly desire?

One of the most productive and beneficial ways to find the change sought after and experience what’s desired, is to bypass the mind with all its “ thought” and quick fix schemes, and instead concede to the heart. The heart holds every answer necessary for the change we seek. When we choose to evaluate the areas within our hearts that we have neglected, abandoned and rejected, we can readily identify those scared, scarred, and broken places where barriers to change are created and maintained. It’s those barriers that distance us from experiencing the real and lasting changes we ask for each and every year.

Creating the space necessary for healing the heart, is one of the most powerful endeavors one can choose to pursue. For the New Year, I encourage you to look beyond the “thought” of change you hold for yourself, and take time to meaningfully explore the feelings that resonate deep within your heart. Identify and determine what continually keeps you from the change desired. What interferes with your ability to either meet desired goals, or sustain long term change. Having recognized those things within yourself, begin to then create all that is needed to nurture the process of healing. Be attentive toward those needs, and furthermore compelled to address what is needed within yourself, lovingly.  

We are powerful beings with limitless potential. Unlock yours by allowing your heart to facilitate the direction of each and every dream held, so you may envelope yourself in envisioned success.

Best wishes for all you are desiring.

Keesha

 

Living Your Truth

What is it you stand for, believe in, epitomize? Who are you truly? And in what way is your truth represented? As a therapist I find myself in places with clients whose challenge is in speaking their truth, then living in accordance with what they desire. The challenge for me is in asking myself: “is what I am asking my client to do, something that I could, and would do given the circumstances they describe.” Do I live vicariously through my clients, or is what I offer authentic, in that what I express is not only something I have done and transcended, but something I would also do again when dealing with situations that breed personal dysfunction, or no longer benefit me. More often than not I find that the universe brings to us through people’s circumstances and current situations experiences that sometimes mirror exactly where we are within our own process as therapists. Forcing us to take a look at what we hide within our own closets for cleaning, repair, or extraction.  It’s similar to a checks and balance system, where the client inadvertently pushes the therapist within the relationship to examine aspects within our own lives that maintain stagnancy. As we move clients toward change, sometimes we are verbalizing the very things we find difficult to change in our own lives & relationships that we are not taking responsibility for. Because we are truly reflections of one another it’s never a coincidence when someone comes to me with an issue I am personally working to resolve. The beauty of it is that the therapeutic relationship forces even therapists to continually work on the issues associated with us as clinicians living our own truths.  I find this is always the irony of therapy, with clinicians as “helpers!” We continue to “help” ourselves, as clients shed light for us on those things we are challenged by at times. Which is in many ways is a gift, as we acknowledge what needs to change personally for our own growth.

At the end of the day, we are all just people touched by life. Continually working to make sense of the pain and struggle we face brought about by the human experience aka: LIFE! All we have is relationship, with ourselves and others. With that said, exercising the ability to live life in a way that exemplifies not only what you say, but is followed by action and void of the hypocrisy, the dichotomy of real you vs. fake you, is what it will take to favorably live your truth. Is'nt that what we all aspire to?! 

It's important to remember that being in the helping profession is a big responsibility that requires continued personal work so that we can offer our very best to both ourselves, then others seeking our assistance. Identifying our own truth allows for us to live that truth, fully. 

Best wishes on the path.

Keesha

Observing, to the most beneficial response

What would happen if we chose to observe the sensations associated with feelings before reacting to them?  How could that change the outcome of what we engage experientially? Is it possible to observe the feelings that intensify our emotional states, our moods, before reaching them? And wouldn’t being able to do so open up possibility with respect to understanding ourselves, and the way we choose to interact with others? How would outcomes in our lives be different?

 

I encourage you to think about your reactions when dealing with difficulty, challenge, anger, sadness, frustration. As the sensation arises within you can you stop and observe what’s felt? It’s often the thought/label that we apply, which lead to reactions based on what we’ve identified. 

 

I offer the following as an example to illustrate the power we each possess in our potential toward change. Here goes…..

If you have an itch, what tells you you have an itch? Does it not start with a sensation that leads to a thought, which prompts an action to the thought “I have an itch?” What would happen if rather than responding by scratching, you let go of the thought to do so and availed yourself to the options available to you?  Did you know you had options!

Responding to the itch rather than reacting to it allows for observance. While observing the sensation experienced, you are disconnecting from acting on the thought. The thought that the only way to address what’s experienced is to scratch!

The point I make is that sensations are fleeting, as are the moods they engage. They appear, disappear, and transform like clouds, adrift in the sky. The challenge is to break the habits that envelope the reactions we too often utilize.

Recognizing the choices available to us creates the kind of understanding that frees us from self imposed bondage which then allows us to examine an experience and apply the most beneficial response that furthers us in our goal to be our best, do our best, and treat others in ways that benefit them as well.

Be well.

Keesha

 

Listening to the voice within

One of the most precious attributes connected to the spirit within is the voice of knowing. This voice is different from what we identify as our conscious. It’s not based in right or wrong thinking, values, morals or reasoning. The voice I speak of communicates softly with intent and can only be heard in silence. It’s only when we invite it in and nurture its presence that we are able to hear the message of our hearts. This opens the pathway to understanding the unanswered questions we seek direction for.  Answers, relative to you as the questioner.

It has always been my belief that everything any one of us may ever need, can be found within. The difficulty for most, is determining how best to access the voice of knowing, the wisdom instilled in spirit. Particularly so, when life demands much of us as individuals, and takes much from us in the process.  The daily routines we find ourselves in, along with the expectations placed on us result in our own absence, as we are unable to be present for ourselves.

The key associated with living a life of balance, where everything has it place, begins when priority is given to self.  Making the time for quiet moments that allow us to touch and be touched by the gift innate in us all. The beauty of this gift is the freedom experienced over time. 

How is this freedom experienced? 

-Less dependence upon others to provide answers that can’t possibly be accurate, when it is we who are the masters of our own experience.

-Acceptance of self:  in taking the time to be present;  we receive the present our spirit has to offer us in way of a path, or direction.

-Calm and peace coming from centeredness. As we become more aware that we at the root are responsible for any change that is needed, we open the door for change to begin taking its place in our lives.

-Taking control of our own lives:  living from the spirit of wisdom, our own personal wisdom, gives us personal power. This replaces our putting what we have an ability to control in the hands of others, whom know us less than we know ourselves!

How then do we cultivate the voice within to speak, so as to create the thoughts that can guide us? You already have the answer!  Now it’s about the choice you make in being proactive enough; seeing the importance of this as priority!   It’s as simple as taking a few minutes a day to sit quietly with yourself, void of distraction. 

Get in touch with your breath. Maintain awareness of it. Close your eyes, and set your intention for personal knowledge through wisdom. Ask yourself: what is it that I wish to understand? What is it that I wish to change? What is it that I can do which will lead me to a path of change? Then sit quietly. See what comes up for you, not from your thoughts, but from the heart. That is the knowing, the spirit containing the wisdom of all that exists within you. 

As you continue to spend more time with yourself, through time the voice of wisdom, that spirit of knowing becomes clearer and so to does the understanding that opens pathways to limitless possibilities for what it is you truly desire.

Best Wishes to you. May new understanding and changed perspectives uncover the greatness already inside of you.

Keesha

And the OSCAR goes to…… anyone of us “stuck” in a role.

I love a good movie! Every time I see one that really captures my attention, I’m always looking to understand what it was within the film that made the experience. Was it the story line, the acting?  What connects me in that I have all these feelings around a particular character? What was it that either touched me, or turned me off? An actor really in tune with the role they play can cause the viewer to identify with the part.  It’s as though what we are seeing on the screen in front of us, is somehow real, and no longer just a movie.

Similarly, there are scripts and themes in our lives where we cast ourselves, and others in roles  that either allow the character to develop, grow and mature, or remain stuck and confined to what we’ve become accustomed to seeing. Why and how does this happen?

Someone was describing a strained relationship they had with a family member. The source of the strain stemmed from emotional mistreatment as a child. The underlying pain was in relation to substance abuse witnessed early on creating, then leading to anger, sadness, frustration and intolerance toward her parent. Feelings borne from powerless she felt at a young age.

Having been frequently silenced and shut down in youth, she reinforced the idea of her own powerlessness with that parent into her adulthood. In the process it allowed him the power necessary to control the relationship as he saw fit, and maintain it as such for years. Each cast the other in roles that characterized the negative unchanging nature of the old relationship.

Regardless, to the fact that the young girl is now an adult, she was unaware that the script initially designed for her as a child served the purpose of putting her in as powerless of a position as the family member with the addiction. That family members addiction, was a behavioral consequence to the powerlessness over his own pain.

Needless to say, as an adult, she too became avoidant: responding to him in superficial ways that continued to disable her voice, and keep her trapped in the script of her youth.

Here we have an adult, playing her former child self, all these years later!  It’s not believable because the script does not adjust for the obvious growth that’s easily observed physically, cognitively, and intuitively. The difficulty here lies with the roles we maintain with certain people, under certain circumstances. They become our source of comfort, even through discomfort. Providing identity. It keeps us connected to whom we were in spite of the ongoing changes taking place within us.  

Growth can be scary. It means we have to “let go, to let in,” what will change us for the better. When we type cast ourselves into being someone we no longer are, or do something that doesn’t fit our character, it can feel even more painful then the actual experiences that created the pain to begin with. When we continue to keep up with roles that don’t account for the changes taking place within us, we remain SMALL.

The truth is that as we continually change, we can never be what we once were. That old self inevitably comes to pass because growth is a function of the present. When we stop recycling the old, we can create the space necessary for who we currently are.

In recognizing our ability toward true creative control over the script of life, we allow ourselves choice around the “stories” we will then use to define us.

Keesha-

REACTivity: Do you find yourself caught in the web of emotion?

REACTivity: Do you find yourself caught in the web of emotion?

Why is it that we allow our minds, our thinking, to get so caught up in emotion when we are triggered by an event or situation we perceive as threatening? I’m not here to discuss the fight or flight response which some identify as an innate. I’d like to look at the situation from a continually evolved perspective that leans more towards the idea of behavior and our formation of habits! 

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The Lie of Relationships

The biggest lie we've been told with regard to relationships is that: "two halves, make a whole." Therein lies the problem! When you are a whole individual and choose a relationship with another, YOU are already complete. Which then allows one to decide whether their partner has an ability to add to what you have already established.....making you the source of your own strength, rather than looking at your partner to complete you.